The Language Barrier

Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.

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igns and Notices: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." -- A sign in a Swiss hotel. "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." -- A sign in a laundry in Rome. "Members and non-members only." -- A sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio. "Shower of Happiness. Total Safety Guaranteed." -- A label on an electric shower (to heat cold water) in Thailand. "Do not spit here and there." -- A sign in Calcutta, India. "Commit No Nuisance." -- A sign in Calcutta, India. "Dresses for streetwalkers." -- A junk mail ad in Germany. "Don't get into this." -- A sign in Japan with the universal "do not enter" symbol. "We are thinking that 'How to management' is more important than 'What for sell'. we want to realize that is 'It's well that!' that is our opinion." -- On the cover of a photo shop's envelopes for newly developed film. "ParkinginwrongPlaces Will Makeyou accountalbetoLaw Apartfrom being atresPassingontheRight oftheCitizenandthestate." -- A sign in Luxor, Egypt. "Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." -- A sign in a Spanish hotel. "Warning: Do not leave it in this place which may have a high temperature such as the car closed." -- Instructions for a CD adapter for a car's tape player. "SOTP" -- A sign near a road crossing in Milan. "Warning! Difficult to swim out if wearing wader filled with water by falling down! Therefor, please avoid deep water where danger of drowning possibility exists." -- On the label of a pair of chest waders manufactured in Taiwan. "Please leave your values at the front desk." -- A sign in a Paris hotel. "Let's skiing." -- A sign in a ski chalet in Nagano, Japan. "Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely." -- Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong. "Dah Wong Path." -- A sign for a park path in Hong Kong. "Caution Water On Road During Rain" -- A sign in Malaysia. "Refund!" -- "Caution," as translated into Italian on a "wet floor" sign in an Italian McDonald's. "Please to bathe inside the tub." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel room. "Our staffs are always here waiting for you to patronize them." -- From an advertisement for a hotel in Tokyo. "This shop has been moved to the present place for 35 years." -- From an advertisement for an antique shop in Tokyo. "Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses." -- From an advertisement for a restaurant in Tokyo. To everyone of the use, Laundromat. Many people use a Laundromat. Let's comply with the next item to use it for the cleanness safety. 1. Let's read the explanation of the way of using it well, and use the washing machine, the dryness machine properly. 2. Let's wash a hand well before and after a wash. 3. Don't wash the person who get's an epidemic, and clothes which contacted with the person. 4. Don't wash a diaper which urine stuck to, sports shoes, an animal's rug because an unpleasantness is given to the person handled later and it is un-sanitation. 5. Let's bring it back after you spread the wash from the dryness machine and a state is done. 6. Please ask a satellite control person in charge for the inquiry about the establishment, the contact of in case of emergency. -- Instructions on the wall of the laundry room in a hotel in Tokyo. "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday." -- A sign in a Moscow hotel across the street from a Russian Orthodox monastery. "Please waste." -- Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan. "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Japanese hotel. "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." -- A sign in a Yugoslavian hotel. "Specialist in women and other diseases." -- A sign outside of Roman doctor's office. "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." -- A sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room. "Is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis." -- A sign in a Tokyo hotel. "To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." -- A sign in a Belgrade elevator. "Please take one step forward and crap twice." -- A sign in a temple in China. "Figure Out Fare Office" -- A sign on a small wooden house at a bus station in Laos. "Dresses for street walking." -- A sign outside a Paris dress shop. "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel. "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." -- A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge. "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -- A sign in a Rhodes tailor shop. "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -- A sign in a Bucharest hotel lobby. "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists." -- From an advertisement by a dentist in Hong Kong. "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." -- A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest. "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." -- A sign in a hotel in Athens. "Dirty Water Punishment Place" -- How a sewage treatment plant was marked on a Tokyo map. "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." -- A sign in an Acapulco hotel. "Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up." -- A sign in a Leipzig elevator. "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension." -- A sign in an Austrian hotel catering to skiers. "Take one of our horse driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages." -- A sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency. "We take your bags and send them in all directions." -- A sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office. "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." -- A sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop. "Here speeching American." -- A sign in a Majorcan shop entrance. "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." -- A sign in a Budapest zoo. "For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service." -- A sign in a Hong Kong supermarket. "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter." -- A sign in a Vienna hotel. "Warning: Please do not leave children unattended. We are not responsible for lost children or injuries." -- A sign by an apparently dangerous koi pond in a Chinese Restaurant. "WARNING: Tips for waitress not privilege off customer, and not optonal to do! Is custimarry and IS THE LAW for leave tips, otherwise is possibul to face prostection by law! Please be responsivele, leave tip and no go jail! Have a nice day!" -- A sign on tables in a Chinese Restaurant in the United States. "Coffee and Snakes" -- A sign in a coffee shop in Ingolstadt, Germany. "Billiards and Snocker" -- A sign in a pool hall in Ingolstadt, Germany. "Cramp Heads" -- On a box of clamp heads from Japan. "Stop. Drive sideways." -- A detour sign in Japan. "Special Today - no ice cream" -- A sign at a Swiss inn. "You did not report yourself by the Alien police. You have to do this in a short time, otherwise you get troubles! When you don't come to our office, we demand you to come! And when you don't come again, you maybe have to pay a fine, and it is possible that you will be expanded." -- A letter sent by the Rotterdam (Netherlands) foreign police to someone who did not show up for a registration appointment. Read more at www.rinkworks.com

 

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Kids' Ideas About Love

Kids, aged 5 to 10, were asked questions about what they thought of love and marriage. Here's what they said.

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Love and Marriage:

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8 "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9 "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8 "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5 "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10 "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6 "One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6 "My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8 "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7 "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8 "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9 "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10 "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10 "A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10 "[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10 "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9 "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8 Kissing: "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down, and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8 "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10 "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9 "You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." -- Doug, age 7 "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6 "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10 "I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8 "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." -- Curt, age 7 "The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8 (on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing gum!" -- Boy, age 6 Beauty: "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." -- Anita, age 8 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." -- Christine, age 9 "It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." -- Brian, age 7 How People In Love Act: "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." -- Brad, age 8 "They act mooshy. Like puppy dogs, except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." -- Arnold, age 10 "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." -- Sherm, age 8 "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." -- Sarah, age 9 "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire." -- Christine, age 9 "See if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." -- John, age 9 "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -- Craig, age 9 What Mom and Dad Have In Common: "Both don't want no more kids." -- Lori, age 8 How To Tell If Two People Are Married: "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." -- Eddie, age 6 "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." -- Derrick, age 8 Deciding Who To Marry: "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." -- Allan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." -- Kirsten, age 10 Strategies For Making People Fall In Love With You: "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6 "Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9 "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8 "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9 "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9 The Best Age To Get Married: "Twenty three is the best age because you know the person forever by then." -- Cam, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" -- Freddie, age 6 Good Advice About Love: "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." -- Dick, age 7 "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." -- Lynnette, age 8 "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" -- Ricky, age 7 "Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love." -- Erin, age 8 "Sensitivity don't hurt." -- Robbie, age 8 "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." -- Erin, age 8 "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." -- Natalie, age 9 What To Do When a First Date Turns Sour: "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." -- Craig, age 9 What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You": "The person is thinking: 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.'" -- Michelle, age 9 "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it, and now they can go eat." -- Dick, age 7 Why People In Love Often Hold Hands: "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." -- Gavin, age 8 "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." -- John, age 9 Read more at www.rinkworks.com

 

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Excuse Letters

Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth.

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The routine is familiar: when a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him." "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot." "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33." "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating." "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip." "John has been absent bec

"John has been absent be

"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."

"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

cause she has been bothered by very close veins." "Chris will not be in school cus he has an ac

"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."

"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."

"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."

"Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father'

"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."

"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."

"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."

"Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."

"Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night." Read more at www.rinkworks.com

 

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